In the last few weeks, things have come to a head as far as my mental state.
I am not happy…
I am not happy…because I am fat.
There.
I said it.
As unpopular as that word is, it is an honest word and you need to have the ability to be honest with yourself to use it. There is no need to sugar coat your size by using words like, plump, fluffy, and the cursed BBW. God I hate that acronym!
This morning I stepped on the scale and I weighed 276.2 pounds. I am in a size 20 pant and shirt and I am miserable.
I have tried so many diets that thinking about it makes my head spin. My most recent failure was a metabolic clinic that I started in October of 2010. In the 6 months I was there, I lost about 45 pounds and I felt great. I had FINALLY found something that worked. Then the reality hit me: as much as this worked, I couldn’t sustain it financially. There were enzymes that I had to take at every meal and the things I was supposed to eat had caused my grocery bill to hover around $500-$600 a month. I know families that don’t spend that much at the grocery store. So, I fell off that wagon and gained the weight back and then another 15 pounds. I started smoking again, and I hate what I see every time I look in the mirror.
I couple of weeks ago I was sitting on my balcony with my slightly tipsy boyfriend and out of nowhere he says: “you should get the Lap Band”. My initial reaction was to separate his testicles from his body like a paper towel, but then I started to think about it. I have tried everything else and admitting that this is something that may help is not a weakness or failure on my part. It is a tool that may actually be able to help me reach a healthy weight and loosen the strangle-hold that food has on my life.
If I really think about it, I can pinpoint the formation of my relationship with food. When I was a child, there was the “finish what is on your plate or you don’t get dessert” mentality in our household. Snack food was a privilege and I began to sneak the food I really wanted. I am not blaming my parents…they were doing what every parent did back then. I am blaming myself and my reaction to their child-rearing. I learned that eating was something that I needed to hide so that I would not be judged or scolded. I let it comfort me. I let it reward me. I let it control me.
Today, I took that first step. I went to a bariatric surgery seminar and spent 3 hours listening to testimonials and doctors and I became even more motivated to do this. I have set my initial consultation up for October 19th. If all goes well, I will be able to have my band placed within 3-6 months.
I know this is not going to be easy, so I started this blog in the hopes that I will come here to word-vomit my thoughts and feelings as I go through this process.
Wish me luck!
